I guess it's pretty much the same for anyone who has had cancer and recovered. Every little twinge, every little muscle spasm, every little sensitivity anywhere is potentially an indication that things are going wrong again.
I'm no different from anyone else in this respect. We're getting near that appointment that I had to set up - you know the one that should have come six months after the last consultation but hadn't because of the appalling appointment system. It will now not occur until nine months after. I suppose because I know that professionals will be assessing me, I'm also doing it myself more than I otherwise might.
In terms of my physical shortcomings there's my knee. Actually I don't worry about that as it's been on and off problematic for so many years. Then there's my hip or is it my back; a slight muscular twinge every now and then. Some thickening on the hip was identified during one of my CT scans. They asked me if I had hip trouble and after the PET scan told me it was nothing to worry about. I suppose I should have realised that if it wasn't visibly normal then at some point it would begin to play up.
There's been the odd flutter of a muscle deep inside my calf. It started when I strained the calf muscle while walking. It continued for about a week. You know, a bit like when you get an involuntary muscle flutter of your eyelid. Not painful but very annoying. It's completely gone now. Occasionally I feel a slight pull of a muscle in my back similar to the odd back sensations I had when I found out I was ill with lung cancer.
A couple of weeks ago I had an odd twinge around the front of my chest; rather as if a rib as playing up. Of course, anything on the right as this was, in the vicinity of the missing lung lobes, puts the wind up me. A few hours later as I went about housework I felt a click and suddenly all was well again. Goodness knows what that was about.
But the nastiest of these completely inconsquential aches and straings was when the other week I over-ate terribly. Fish and chips were being served down at the pub before the harvest auction. Despite the fact that my portion was too big, I finished it. About thirty minutes later I realised that for every five or six beats my heart was missing one. Not nice. It lasted an hour or so then went back to normal. I realised later that the feeling I had was not totally unfamiliar. I think I've had it in the past when I've overdone it food-wise. The difference this time was that I realised my heart was playing up. Anyway a quick Google and hey presto, as I rather suspected, palpitations can be a symptom of over-eating.
So there you have it - all my aches and pains. None of them add up to anything I'm sure and I wouldn't be suprised that for a woman of nearly 63 with a near-sedentary life-style, I'm a damn sight fitter than most. But before I go there's one more physical thing that I must tell you and that's about the feet. The damage to the nerves in the toes of both feet and extending under the sole of my right foot. Well, and I hardly dare type this for fear that I'm imagining it, but I think there is some improvement. I can't be absolutely sure and I'd be amazed if it were so because it's so long after the event (eighteen months since my last chemo) - but my peripheral neuropathy does seem to be reversing. Fingers (or should that be toes?) crossed!